By Tessa Campbell
Neurodivergent Written Piece
January 9, 2022
In the year 2021, I was diagnosed with ADHD and receiving this diagnosis was so challenging for me. The diagnosis couldn’t come at any worse of a time, it was during the pandemic and I was already struggling in my PhD program with imposter syndrome. In 2019, I had been hospitalized for major depression at UW Psychiatric Hospital. I was diagnosed with panic disorder, anxiety disorder and PTSD. When I received these diagnoses from the hospital psychiatric team, I was completely accepting of them. However, flash forward to two years later, I couldn’t figure out why I pushed back so intently when I received my ADHD diagnosis. I couldn’t accept it and I was in complete denial. I finally realized that my identity and past personal experiences had a lot to do with its rejection. I am a 45-year-old Indigenous female. I am Tlingit and an enrolled member of the Tulalip tribes. My mother was born in Italy, so I am also Italian and a wee bit of Scottish.
I attribute the shame of my ADHD diagnosis to the systemic racism I experienced in my school district during junior high school. From 7th through 9th grade, I was placed in special education reading and physical education classes. Through my own investigation as a youth, I figured out that the school put all Native students in the special education classes. I knew that I was in the wrong place as I was constantly bored in my classes. I finally lamented to my mother and she fought the school system to get me removed from the classes. First, I was mortified that I was in these courses and second, I was so disappointed to miss out on all of the sciences classes. I was so ashamed that I remember lying to my friends that I was taking science classes and had dissected a frog.
As my mother continuously fought to get me taken out of the special education courses, the school stood its ground. They said that I had belonged there and there was nothing she could do. It was at this moment in time, I made the misconception that maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am not as intelligent as other non-Native students? Maybe all Native students aren’t actually at the same level as all of the non-Native kids? Ever since this experience, I had held onto this false belief for many years. Historically, since the turn of the 19th century, there have been empirical studies, publications and news media sources have continuously published how Native Americans are failing academically at all levels. When you are growing up and hear this repeated over and over again, as a Native person, you fall into its trap. You give into this belief because historically empirical studies have never studied Native success in academia. However, things are slowly progressing today. We have BIPOC students in academia who are challenging the systemic racism and stereotypes that have plagued the U.S. school systems since they first came into existence.
To return again when I received the diagnosis of ADHD in 2019, I felt myself return back to my old self in junior high having the false notion that “there is something wrong with me”. Once I reconnected with this memory of my traumatic experience in junior high and worked through it, I slowly came to accept my ADHD diagnosis. I believe that everyone has their own story, and some may have struggled with accepting their diagnosis while other may have not. I must state that the timing of receiving my diagnosis couldn’t have been any worse. I found it even more challenging to focus on my coursework and felt like I was falling behind all of my classes in 2021. I had struggled (and have always struggled) with keeping a sense of time, maintaining a routine and staying focused. I have learned skills and techniques to help me cope with life and the responsibility that comes with it which I share next.
One of the first major changes I had to make was to detach myself from my iPhone. I deleted all video games and Twitter and Snapchat and I must say this wasn’t any easy feat! I began spending less time on my phone, but I was still connected to a different technological device. Throughout the academic years of 2020-2021, I was attending all classes virtually due to the pandemic. One of the challenges I had with online learning, aside from fatigue, was the difficulty of staying focused. To mitigate this, I learned two techniques. First, I learned to physically hide my phone. Even when I put it across the room where it is still visible, the moment I saw the screen illuminate I would hyper focus on it. Completely hiding it so it is invisible helped tremendously. The second tip was to keep my camera on during zoom meetings during the entire duration of class. I have found that if I turn my camera off, my mind will start to wander, and I lose focus.
A final method for coping with ADHD that I would like to share is through writing. I have kept a diary since I was in second grade and still continue my practice. In addition to journaling, I write daily haiku and during the past few months I started writing haiku that focused on my experiences of living and coping with ADHD (which I share following this article). I moderate two haiku groups on Facebook which were both started during the pandemic. I run a small private haiku group for the tribal community and friends. The second haiku Facebook group is based in Chicago and I co-moderate with its founder who is an Illinois state trooper and another moderator who is news reporter for the city of Chicago.
I want to end this with stating how I really detest using the word “disorder” and its usage is in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). The manual has historically defined people and their illnesses in ways that are harmful. Using the word “disorder” sounds like there is something wrong with someone or that they are broken. As human beings, we are all wired differently, and it doesn’t signify that our brains are diseased or damaged. We can all find ways to use our unique ways of being and thinking to our own advantage. People with ADHD can all complete tasks, get things done and succeed in the world. Our approach may be completely different from others, but we know and understand what works for us. So, if you have ADHD and you have a zillion tasks to complete and you find your brain drowning in wave of overwhelming thoughts. Today, there are so many resources, tools, support groups, medicine to help you stay afloat.
Haiku by Tessa Campbell
Going in circles
Her soul trapped inside a wheel
A hamster peeks out
When you view the world
and see past, present, future
darn ADHD
5 minutes ago
it was 10 am, now it’s
dark. Foiled by the clock!
Unseen flowers bloom
Gawkers blinded by the light
All planted in place
As the raven flew
Time stood still, to ask the bird
Are you racing me?
Cacophonous peace
Beating heads against the wall
Oh, be still my heart
Five O’clock shadows
Clock face struck by ticked off hands
Hours are shaved off
Concrete ideas
Pave the way to dead end roads.
Stick a fork in them!
Up and down hubbub
Minds spinning like anxious wheels
Brain waves breakdance stunts
Seeking perfection
Is a path of suffering
Leave it to the gods
Vacant intellect
Blank canvas lures abstract minds
Paint me a picture
Right now, is the time
Where past and future connect
To create a lifetime
Brain is dead, bury
my thoughts; wake, rebirth, reboot,
Mind over matter
Mask of emotions
Can you see what I’m saying?
Eyes do the talking.
True beauty exists
in between musical notes,
honor the silence
Don’t dwell on the past
Clean house of future worries
to live for today
Tomorrow can wait
Where else do you need to be
Besides the present?
Nets catch all wise thoughts
Useless notions bounce the brain
Stuck in ping pong mode
thoughts wander about
like aimless gypsies seeking
a space to dwell in
Her head wafts up to
the clouds, into the cosmos
Like a space cadet
See a little dream
projected on closed eye lids
forget with a blink
Hemming and hawing
perfect streamlined sentences
Oops..mis-match, wrong thread
I didn’t follow
my dreams but followed my nose
to the pizza shop
Uncover the dark
clouds that veil stoic faces
Daydreams are revealed
So picture perfect
The flight of the butterfly
Time flies in a snap
First stroke of the day
Poetic paralysis
Pen had a blockage
Legs frolic and twirl
Knickerbockers dance to feel
Rhythmic spin cycles
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